When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Friday, December 26, 2003
Life is always full of surprises. I'm a total nut case when it comes to giving one, but I do receive plenty of surprises, very often too. The phone beeped/sounded just a while ago. I thought it must be him. How very wrong I was, and how very quickly I deleted it.
It just feels weird.
Must all promises be kept? We once agreed to let each other be the first to know if and when we find someone new. (The phone just went off again. This time the it's from a person whose messages I dearly awaited.) I replied the first message, and I told him, finally, plainly and simply, that I'm happy with someone else.
It's about time I stop brushing off things into the back of my head, to disregard certain things that people tell me, or simply choose not to see the obvious. Evasion isn't always the key to everything.
Why didn't I tell him before? A truth told with ill intent, beats all the lies that one can invent. That's why. If I told him a long long time ago it'd be to hurt him. Lacerate and abrade him, gnash his wounds and tear him apart. I held back a truth, I broke a promise, I did not tell him, at least not directly, nor through me personally. Then I got so saturated in bliss and contentment that I completely forgot abt the promise. Now that he disturbed the emotional fabric of my life again I had to tell him about me being with someone new, with someone who can take care of me ten times better than he did.
He did not reply. Not surprising. I don't expect him to. Too much pride and ego in him to utter meaningless words such as "Oh that's great!" and what-nots. The declaration prolly killed him. (I hope. *evil smirk*) Tee hee hee.
I think I am very silly, as silly as a goonduly clueless Secondary school girl can be when she falls head over heels in love with a boy. My mind is filled with his image, his voice, his full lips and his combed hair. I can think of nothing else but what to make for him, what surprises I can give him, how to make him all happy and sweetened up. It comes from the bottom of my heart and I wanna do it. I wanna do it now.
Why wait? I dun wanna wait. Why hesitate? I must not and will not hesitate. He taught me to give my fullest in a relationship. I will not hold back. I will not let him slip into my dark thoughts and contemplate holding back. I want him to believe in his fairy tales once more, this time with me inside the picture with him.
I love him.
Alamakeroos. I really am a clown in the kitchen. I move around like an neon orange tangly eight-legged octopus. But I don't care. As long as the end product looks decent and remotely edible, I'm happy, and I hope that he'll be just as pleased. I really dun frequent the kitchen much, but when I do I mess it up. Because I'm too preoccupied with my thoughts of him to hold anything still, because I'm too nervous, too excited, too afraid of my cookies/ dessert being not good enough for him.
I am silly. I am silly for him. But I am happy. =)
3:52 PM
